He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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