A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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