I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I AM VODKA MAN
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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