dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
You should frame my arrest warrant.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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