Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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