and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I AM VODKA MAN
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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