if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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