I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I love having hate sex.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
