I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
