I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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