he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
