Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
