I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
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