I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Randomize
