She is in my trunk
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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