There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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