it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Randomize
