Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
