Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Randomize
