Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
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