i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Randomize
