I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Randomize
