The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Randomize
