i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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