Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
