I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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