Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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