I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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