Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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