im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
