I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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