there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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