I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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