I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
