Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
