i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
this is an emotional support booty call
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
