Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
