drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
