drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Randomize
