then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
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