Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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