i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I just want to make out with him forever
Drake has all the answers
Randomize
