All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I cut my penus on the lid.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
