He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
