hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
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