I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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