in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
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