Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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