he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
You ate ashes out of my bong
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
