i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
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