Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
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