So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize
