i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize
