I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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