when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I could make wine with my vomit
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
