why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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